Seeing the Beauty in the Dark

Beauty.  I never thought that crying could be beautiful or that sadness could show beauty.  I have never liked the darkness because it seems too heavy.  I am learning to sit in those times of fear and anxiety when things seem heavy and experience beauty, peace, light and love. 

Two years ago, I became very ill and ended up hospitalized for 30 days.  It was life changing to say the least.  It was the last place I thought I would be at the age of 42 y/o and in good physical condition, and yet it was there where God finally reached me.  Don't get me wrong, I knew God, loved God and have had a lifelong relationship with him, however, my life had become so hectic and full that I had become distracted.  The hospital has become the turning point for me, after which nothing will ever be the same.

I refer to it often in life:  BC (before crypto - the infection I had) and AC (after crypto).  I was brought to my knees.  I was broken. I had horrible nightmares of my time spent there.  I would cry for no reason.  I lost so much weight that I was malnourished and couldn't return to work until 6 months later.

It took me a long time to see beauty in the darkness. But today I can say that I did not just survive it, I can say that I am thankful for it, blessed to have experienced it.  I have more compassion, more empathy, I drop to my knees to pray for others, and I treat people and patients differently.  You see, for me, it was more than just an illness.  I am a physician, I should have been able to handle this.  Instead, it became an existential crisis.

My hope and prayer is that through the darkest events in life, for you, for me, for our friends and family, that God will show us his beauty and presence and peace.  I truly believe that it is the only way we can survive and thrive when life throws us a curve ball.  I am a person who naturally fears and feels anxious, but I will not let that define me.  I will rely on my heavenly Father who does not fear and can cover me with his blanket of peace.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power and love..." 2 Timothy 1:7